Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
The name for a group of owls is a parliament. Presumably because, like politicians, they have deep-set eyes, toes that point in different directions and swallow their prey whole.
Alas, there is no collective noun for politicians (A scandal of politicians? A promise of politicians? A drone of politicians?). But if anyone decided to release some owls into a legislative chamber, it would be a parliament in a parliament, making headline writers the world over very happy.
Which brings us neatly (sort of) onto Miroslav Radačovský, who was named Slovakia’s ambassador to Cyprus this week. When he was an MEP in 2024, Radačovský released a live dove from a bag in the European Parliament in Strasbourg (which means the bird has a better attendance record than most EU lawmakers).
“I would like to set this dove free as a symbol of peace, to symbolize that Europe needs peace. Let’s let this dove unite all of us,” he said, uniting the bloc by letting a terrified bird shit all over the hemicycle.
Radačovský had clearly learned nothing from the pope. In 2014, Pope Francis and some children had similarly released two white doves from the Apostolic Palace during the pontiff’s weekly Angelus prayer. The doves were immediately attacked by a seagull and a crow. This, historians will one day surely document, was the exact moment that the world headed straight down the toilet.
If we are assigning political leanings to birds though (and we are), then it’s obvious the seagull would be far right, specifically English far right — shaven-headed, violent, loves to hang out near the coast, and a bully who steals your chips (or fries, if you will).
The pigeon would be green (politically), as they are almost exclusively found in urban areas, and considered a pest by many.
Starlings would be socialist because they work together for the greater good with their elaborate swarming behavior, but are also prone to infighting (often to the death).
Flamingos would be monarchists, looking down their noses at you, while woodpeckers would be anarchists, setting up base in the woods and indulging in extreme behavior by slamming their heads into trees.
Hummingbirds would be liberal — tolerant and free-spirited but also aggressively territorial — and penguins would be conservatives, wearing their perpetual suits and trying to mate for life.
Of course, no political affiliation can be attributed to the mallard duck, the only bird documented to have been engaging in homosexual necrophilia.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“This place is beautiful, Emmanuel. Have you considered holding a cage fight here?”
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Last time, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“Darth Vader decides it’s time to start serving health food in the Death Star canteen.”
by Tom Morgan