Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
How many jobs is too many jobs for one person? I guess it depends on the day; sometimes just one can feel like an awful stretch.
Yet some people love the lure of wearing multiple hats — that’s hats in the sense of “I have a lot of responsibilities,” not in the sense of “I am wearing loads of actual hats” (although Andre Ortolf of Germany is in the Guinness Book of World Records for wearing a 145-centimeter stack of actual hats).
Fellow German Manfred Weber seemingly loves a job, or several. He’s a member of the European Parliament, of course, as well as head of the conservative European People’s Party group in that very same Parliament. Oh, and he also heads the European People’s Party, er, party, which is not the same as the European People’s Party group — and now my head is exploding.
As if that weren’t enough, readers of Brussels Playbook will have spotted that Weber is now rumored to be angling for a senior job in the Christian Social Union in his native Bavaria. Alas, how different life could have been for Weber had his band, The Peanuts, rocketed to success and politics had never come a-calling…
Even if Weber were to get this other role, though, he’d have a long way to go before reaching the level of George Osborne — the former U.K. chancellor of the exchequer and the man responsible for both the pasty tax (a plan to charge VAT on hot food such as sausage rolls and Cornish pasties) and the granny tax (a reduction in tax allowances for pensioners).
In the days since his political career crashed on the jagged rocks of Brexit, Osborne has been: editor of the London Evening Standard newspaper, adviser to financial giant BlackRock, partner at more than one investment bank, chair of the board of the British Museum, adviser to a crypto firm, podcaster (the last two both being signs of a midlife crisis), head of OpenAI’s country relations (make that three signs of a midlife crisis), a center-forward for Chelsea and the inventor of Dubai chocolate. Not all of these are necessarily true but you get the idea.
Back in Brussels, Weber’s fellow MEPs love a side job (and do feel free to insert your own “being an MEP is a real job?” joke here).
Former Lithuanian MEP Viktor Uspaskich was an absolute master at this, earning some €3 million annually from a company called Edvervita, according to public disclosures. Edvervita is the main shareholder in a mineral water company, whose product Uspaskich once claimed could protect against being infected with the virus that causes Covid-19.
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“Italian military cutbacks are really hitting hard.”
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“I can never get any bars in this Beast! Roll the window down, will ya?”
by Fred Myers